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Mountain Ancestors Grove, ADF

Prairie Tidings: Our Church's Blog

The Buzz - Rev. Bee's Reflections on Pagan Consent Culture (1 of 4)

1/28/2018

 
(Also published at Rev. Missy's personal blog, The Practical Bard)

As I finish up the first week of Cherry Hill Seminary's course on Pagan Consent Culture, I have thoughts. We have been tasked with completing this class and engaging in the work of creating a better culture of consent within our organization in light of the 
allegations against our founder and former Archdruid, Isaac Bonewits. 

This week, we read through several excerpts from Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape (Friedman & Valenti, 2008) with a focus on defining consent and taking a look at the general state of paganism as it relates to consent. From our discussions, I can see we still have a long way to go to truly embrace a culture of informed, enthusiastic consent. We tend to be quick to view this as an issue specific to patriarchal religions—one we like to believe doesn't exist in paganism. While I agree that much of our social norms originated with the religious over-culture, I strongly disagree that we are free from them in our own groups.

I have heard members of ADF discussing how much better we are than other groups, and I have to disagree here, as well. Power differentials along gender lines are definitely an issue in ADF just as much as in other areas. To date, we have never had a female Archdruid, and the argument for this is always, "well, it's an elected position, so it's not our fault.” Why aren't we lifting up our own women? If we are so much more progressive than other religious traditions, why are we still viewed as patriarchal from the outside? There are a lot of questions ADF needs to answer in terms of consent and equality within our own organization. That's why we are all here right now. 

I have also heard complaints that young men are told to embrace their feminine side and learn how to share their feelings while in the same breath they are told they are “mansplaining.”  This response is typical: the behavior of men is blamed on the confusing messages they receive from women. Such responses are subtle forms of victim-blaming (which I agree is a harsh term for the notion of blaming the person with the lesser power differential for the negative reaction), and these types of responses muddy the waters for real communication. These cycles place the responsibility for social change on the population with less power. This is why social change is slow and/or doesn't happen often.

I have heard that “you can just tell” when someone needs/wants a hug. In terms of consent for touch, I wholeheartedly support a move to a place where everyone is asked whether or not they want a hug.

Every. Time.

​Yes, even for something as “harmless” as a hug. I know many people who will hug you back, albeit awkwardly, when they are hugged without being asked or when everyone else is hugging and it seems expected. The hugger may never know, because folks who don't want to be touched have learned how to “get it over with” as quickly as possible without making it weird. This is a primary issue within our culture: implied/assumed consent. If we really want to make a change in our groves, we need to make it important to ask every time before we touch someone, regardless of how many times we have hugged them in the past.


The pagan community is a place where folks who have been hurt seek refuge. Many of these individuals have past traumas we don't know or understand. Giving them the option to receive a hug or not is allowing them to decide if they are in the right frame of mind to be touched at that moment. For example, a woman in a domestic violence situation may have had a bad night with her partner the evening before a grove high day. When she gets there, to her safe place to pray, she wants to have her moment with the fire and let the flames help bring her healing and connection to the Kindreds. She may usually be open and very fond of hugs, but today is not that day. By forcing this woman to give everyone a hug, or assuming she wants to be hugged, we take away her power in that moment. She had a negative touch interaction that removed her personal sovereignty. She needs the space to be in control of her own body and not hug anyone if she chooses to help her heal. She will hug you to avoid confrontation, but it is not the choice she would have made if given the option.

Women and marginalized individuals yield to those with more power. We cannot truly embrace consent as a cultural change until we recognize that we need to provide space for folks to voice their personal desires AND to be heard and obeyed, even for something as seemingly simple as a hug. In terms of consent, we have a lot to learn, and until we recognize our own issues and truly examine the roles we play as individuals into feeding the cycles, those with less power will continue to be held from realizing their potential within our groups.

Friedman, J. & Valenti, J. (2008). Yes means yes!: Visions of female sexual power and a world without rape. New York, NY: Seal Press.
​

A Pagan Man Defies THE Pagan "Man": A Requiem of Innocence and the Birth of Clarity

1/17/2018

 
*content warning - sexism, sexual abuse, manipulation & coercion*

I’d like to start by saying how absolutely heartbreaking it is for me to write this.

I’m one of the folx who came to my understanding of paganism, magic, and religion BECAUSE of Isaac Bonewits. My whole pagan-story has been influenced by him, his opinions, and his work. I’m in ADF because I believed in his vision for religious pluralism (even though he’d likely never strung those two words together in his life), polytheology as a means to increase diversity appreciation (even though ADF hasn’t figured out that they’d serve the world better by doing that than what they’re doing now), and their clergy training program. I’ve told people I’m pagan because of Bonewits, and polytheist because of ADF. Needless to say, I’m pretty fucked-up about all the recent news regarding the founder of our mother-church, and their initial reactions to said news.


Much of my identity as a pagan was informed by Bonewits and his creation, ADF, and I can’t get the thought of “I’m having a freakin’ identity crisis!” out of my head.

I’m a broken pagan man.

Anyway, a few days after the story broke, Rev. Bee and I were sitting together at The Prairie Home with another of our sibling clerics. Consider that in addition to digesting this disgusting news, we just went through a day of our church’s biennial bylaws revision meeting, AND a previously scheduled class for polytheist dedicants… in short, we were all pretty raw, vulnerable, and emotionally battered, as the topic of Bonewits and his past came up a lot, influencing each part of our day-to-day over the last several days.

So, as we’re sitting in the living room lamenting and sharing our frustrations and heartbreak, the book “The Pagan Man” caught the attention of our clergy sibling, who then asked if I’d read the book before. I admitted that I hadn’t, and that it came to the library as a donation because the person giving it thought we’d like it because it was one of Bonewits’ works. We wondered together what he’d have to say about “being a man”.

I had to know.

I picked up the book, and turned to the index, as I was interested in what a prominent pagan man (it could be argued that Bonewits was THE pagan man for some time with regard to his influence and notoriety) had to say about being a man with regard to sex and sexuality. I quietly hoped there wasn’t anything in here that would do more damage. I hoped for something redeeming. I hoped to find some salve for my aching spirit.

My congregants have heard me say that “hope is the worst of all ills and ultimately, is for suckers”. With that being said…

… here are one sucker’s discoveries from Isaac Bonewits’ The Pagan Man (Citadel Press, Kensington Pub. Group, NY NY, 2005).

(Most of what is coming out of this originates from Chapter 11 - Pagan Men, Pagan Women, and Sex. This is by NO means to be a comprehensive review of this book. The little bit I write is all I could before having to put the book down. Also, I’m gonna be jumping around the book and not going from beginning to end.)

I discovered his telling pagan women, specifically, that they need to give pagan guys a chance because “... the war against sexism in Pagandom is over - you won. (169)” If winning means that they’ve had to suffer through his (or any “pagan man’s” for that matter) continued ass-grabbing, breast-fondling in exchange for book autographs, misogynist remarks, and deeply enculturated toxic masculinity, than I *guess* they won…?

I discovered his antiquated view of the -isms when he said, “But just as there are those who only believe only white folks can be racists, there are women who believe that only men can be sexist… (169)” Admitedly, as a culture, we’ve come to greater understanding of the power-dynamic in the -isms. I feel compelled to add that in 2005 I was introduced to the ideas of power and privilege with regard to the -isms, but I was attending a VERY liberal, private university at the time. Perhaps this speaks to pagan and polytheist leaders staying relevant and up-to-speed in their thought processes around these topics. The master’s cup is full, while the learner’s cup is empty.

I discovered what could, perhaps, be a subtle recognition of past wrongdoing (without any mention of reconciliation or acceptance of responsibility), “Between the alcohol and other mind-altering substances I was consuming at the time… I can’t remember much of my teens and twenties, yet I have a nagging suspicion that I did a few things that would make me cringe today. (172)” To perpetrators, one way of making things right is by pious engagement, with the intention of the right deeds of today will outweigh the misdeeds of yesterday. I can’t say for sure that’s what was happening here, but in light of the current state-of-the-union regarding Bonewits, one could experience these lines in that fashion. The problem with that solution is that it is selfish and one-sided, never allowing the victims to have the power to participate in justice and reconciliation. It’s an answer to bringing balance to a fucked-up past, but it’s not the best answer. Why not Excellence, indeed.

I discovered how uncomfortable and smarmy I felt when, “... respect for the immanent deities of others will tell you whether the sexual escapade you have in mind is appropriate or not. (173)” was what I could find regarding the idea of consent.

I discovered that, in his opinion, one didn’t even have to talk to the person one wants to have sex with to get consent. Just bypass them and talk straight to their Gods. “When you look into the eyes of someone you are thinking of having sex with, search for (their) immanent god or goddess. Make that connection and ask that deity if it’s okay with (Them) if you and (Their) incarnation have some fun together. (173).” Right about here was where I looked up from my reading and caught the eyes of Rev. Bee and our sister-priest… and we all had a look of disgust on our faces. Moving past the bile in my mouth, I continued reading to learn that “The god or goddess will tell you … whether or not you are connecting to an equal or exploiting someone who by age, experience, or current state of mental health, is not able to make that healthy connection. If the god or goddess in the person says, “Back off” just back off (173).” Oddly enough, Bonewits notes that his son, Arthur (who incidentally uses the word consent, and phrases his comment in a way that it’s the PEOPLE giving consent, not their “immanent deities”), has a fantastic idea of consent and boundaries. (173-174) His father; however, focuses on the whole immanent deity thing for the majority of his thoughts and opinions around sex and sexuality, although he says (maybe only once?) that both immanent deity AND the person were needed to give consent. Mixed messages? Maybe. Maybe I’m just in an in-between space where all of this is concerned, and am just confused AF. I don’t know, y’all… I guess the more I process, the more I’m discovering how much pain I’m experiencing from of all of this.

I discovered that on one page (174) he says that pagan men, “... should never force, browbeat, manipulate, trick or blackmail” when it comes to sex, and not six pages later, came across this sexist, manipulative gem.

“Oh, we still have puritanical people (usually female) in our communities, but if you stand up honestly for your principles they will usually back down. Most of them are abuse survivors and have good reason for being a bit paranoid. Convince them that you are being chivalrous and honorable and they will usually get out of your face.” Bonewits, 180

I discovered that Bonewits endorsed Gavin Frost, and although listing among Frost’s “controversies” his belief that young girls should be taught to use dildos before losing their virginity (58), Bonewits never spoke out against these practices… but he did name Frost as one of the “Founding Fathers” of pagan men.

I put the book down when I discovered in the “What do Pagans Believe” section the *belief* that “Children are born holy, since they have nothing between them and their indwelling (immanent?) deities. (8)” Maybe it was because I had just moments before read that direct communication with immanent deity was his idea of consent? Maybe it was because of the recent news regarding Bonewits and allegations of child rape, and other recent accounts of his advocacy of the legal age of consent being 13? Whatever the reason was, adding the immanent deity consent model PLUS holy children who are linked to their immanent deity… well, that’s where I shattered.

It was there that what was left of my religious innocence died. I’ll admit there wasn’t much left after my bachelors degree, but it was in my brokenness, in my feelings of let-down, in my anger at myself for feeling betrayed and foolish, in my being lost… it was in that complex moment that Clarity touched me.

It was in that moment of clarity that, I believe, I “leveled up” as a cisgender pagan man (whatever that means).

On the other side of every #MeToo is an #IDidItToo.

It’s not just about not engaging in negative and unhealthy things. It’s about ACTIVELY ENDING those things that infect our culture and society. It’s like the difference between “I’m not racist” and “I’m Anti-Racism”. One is just a person not engaging in shitty behavior while enjoying the inherent benefits given to them from the past. The other is not only not doing it, but calling it out when it appears, and working to put an end to the systems that perpetuate it.

… and that’s where Isaac failed,

… and my innocence died,

… and where I became more of a man than the day before.

I’ve told my congregants often that some of our Ancestors show us what to do, while others show us what not to do. Some show both, and some neither (thanks, paradox).

Perhaps what I’m experiencing is the violent shift of a religious-ancestor from the “what to do” category to the “what not to do” category?

Perhaps I’ll just cloister for a while and process this shit out of me with help from those who love me, and my own intestinal-fortitude. Yeah… that’s what I’ll do.

Thanks for listening (reading), y’all.

May our journey to clarity be upon smooth roads and across calm seas, and may we recognize how privileged we are when it is, and understand how soul-jarring it is when it’s not.

Victims First, Always - Where We Stand, Where We're Going

1/11/2018

 
Beloved Community, 

Recently, some disturbing revelations have come to light about Isaac Bonewits, founder of ADF.  Mountain Ancestors, a church fully committed to right-action, social justice, and community engagement, formally denounce his actions and stands in support with his victim. We offer our support and prayers to Moira for her continued healing after a tragic childhood.

​Bonewits left ADF in 1996, and since then, we have done a tremendous amount of work both within ADF and in the greater religious community—without him. Locally, Mountain Ancestors has grown from the eight high days to include services for full moons and other holidays. We also provide community education via workshops and our annual Symposium. This is a legacy built upon our own work, not that of the founder of the overarching organization, and we will continue to provide these as well as additional services as the needs of our folk grow. We have evolved past Bonewits' original vision, and Gods be good, we will especially continue to do so in light of these revelations.

We are committed to creating a formal sexual misconduct policy to accompany our existing Anti-Harassment policy. We are committed to providing additional training to our clergy and leaders via avenues such as consent culture courses at Cherry Hill Seminary and Mental Health First Aid training, which our priests have already attended. We are also committed to bringing consent culture to all our events moving forward through workshops, consent agreements for festivals, and zero-tolerance policies for breach of consent up to and including banning from future events and legal action. We will also aid other groups in creating these types of policies and documents for themselves. 

Finally, to those who need an ear or a shoulder, please contact one of your priests via whatever means of media or in-person chat you feel comfortable using for this type of discussion.

May we all use this opportunity to become better than we were before, may our Gods inspire us, and may our Ancestors guide us. 

Yours in service,

-The Priests, Board of Directors, and Leaders of Mountain Ancestors Grove, ADF

    About the Name: Prairie Tidings

    One of the many names for a group of Magpies is "a tiding" of magpies. In 2015 this blog was used as a place for Rev. William, and Rev. Missy to share their experiences as church leaders, as well as goings on at the grove, opinions, and essays. After we got some dedicants trained in our unique work, it was unanimously decided by our board of directors to open the blog to all members of our church. So, we're a group of "MAGpies" (a tiding) sharing news, happenings, and our thoughts (tidings) with you all. 

    Thank you all for your continued support and interest in our work!

    ​MAGpies, please make all blog submissions to Rev. William, as he's managing the website. 

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